To live with a hole in the chest

Well, I thought I would never write about this, well I was wrong. This is how our conversations would start every time. I would say “Hi mom”; she would answer the same way most times with happiness in her tone:” Bozi, is that you?  My day was pretty bad, but now you added 10 years to my life” to which I would joke always “mom you are going to live 700 years, taking into consideration how many times I added to your life.”

Me and mom when I was about 12-13

    I know that most people love they mom, I loved my mom maybe a little more than most, but as our tradition has it I was her “Tach” (it means I am the youngest child and usually the favored one).  Well I am the 10th child of this great little lady, just stop and think how many ladies have 5 kids these  days and add 5 more. It is unimaginable how she did it, let’s not forget the time also; people where all poor and so where we. As I think of this and tears go down my cheeks, I try and think did I ever see my mom mad, as I am mad right now; did she ever see someone that was a bad person. I  often asked her “ mom is there a bad person in this world that you know” she would answer with her famous smile “please they don’t know what they doing just forgive them.”

Peter (RIP), Vera, Mom (RIP) Ana (RIP), wearing red and white Gjovalini, Antoni (RIP) Danny and the chubby me.

     How could this person be so humble? I sometimes think that the more someone suffers the more humble they become. I sit here thinking of all the times I joked with my mom, a funny story comes to mind; some years back she told me “ I don’t know what’s going on but my leg is hurting and when the leg stops, my arm hurts, all in all something always hurts” she would tell me this in confidence knowing that I had a lot of pain, I would often tell her “ mom when we wake up one day and there is no pain, it will mean we are dead”. Now I wonder, is that the truth and will our pain  stop. Maybe physical pain will stop  but how about our soul? Would the pain there stop, I don’t know but I know that as long as I live, and live I will, I will have this pain in my chest, where a part of my heart was torn away when she left this realm.

Mom, me, my dad and Danny

     I am not religious but I do believe in after life, or better said some form of it. I think that in the end we will all be together and we will laugh at this life as it is. Maybe not everyone will be in the same place but according to what someone has done in this life he/she will probably gain the afterlife that he/she deserves. I just hope that I can accumulate enough good deeds as my mom did so we can be together in that place. I live by a simple rule that she taught me when I was real small; she told me this so often that it became like a mantra for me I don’t even know I am doing it anymore, “ Son, do as much good as you can, don’t do it expecting something in return, do it cause it is the right thing to do, it will come back 10 fold”. 

How could this little lady who went to school for 4 days (yes, you read that right, 4 days ) know the fundamental truth of happy living, that is quite  often cited in all religious books: “ Give and you shall receive” Luke 6:38 (Bible).  I am still amazed at all that she knew; when I was small and someone would get lost or leave and never come back she used to say he/she is lost like Abyssinia. My  brother and I used to think that Abyssinia is a made up word, however,  during my excessive reading I came upon this name. It’s what once Ethiopia was called, but how did she know it? There are a thousand little jewels like this, but for that you will have to wait and read my book one day in the near future.

Mom (RIP) my big brother Peter (RIP), my nephew David and me (1993)

I leave you my dear reader with heavy heart and a pain that started 27th of January around 1:18 in the morning. That night was the hardest in my life, as I laid in bed and tears ran freely down my face, I,  the king of pain, was crushed and felt like a little cockroach (another word my mom used but in a good way).Most people ask me is there something we can do for you. This is the first time I actually would like something from each of you, if your moms are a live, hug them often, tell them you love them no matter what, kiss their hand and their feet, because, as tears flow down my cheeks at this moment, I would give everything in this world to once more hug my mom, tell her that I love her, or just hold her hand. Thank you.



  1. Nikci my brother I never look at fb but for some reason I did this morning after salad and ran across this writing from you. It touched my heart it the exact way you intended. Stay up my brother we all have that moment your Mom had. Follow the advise of a wise lady and keep letting people see and hear true humanity in this world of chaos. Sahib

  2. Oo me babe me qajt,te paste lane uraten,e jetegjatesine(sa te rrosh ta kujtosh keshtu,dhe me ju tregua dhe te tjereve ta vleresojne nanen si ti tanen (ku eshte mesim:për ata qe kane men,por nana jote rron sa te te jetosh ti,kujtimet e tua e bajne te pa harruar.zoti te dhente cfar ti kerkosh,Benardi te vlereson se keni kaluar mire ne vend te veshtire,po dhe une te vleresoj per gjithe vlerat tuaja qe ke.qe i ke Nga ajo nane qe te lindi ???

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *