Dear readers, as promised, here is the second installment in a series of four writings on psychology. You may be wondering what psychology has to do with loss, so let’s take a look and perhaps learn a few things.
In this text, I will be using the STKG manual (Stress, trauma, crisis, loss), written by my dear mentor, Prof. Dr. Nila Kapor Stanulović (Stanulović-Kapor, 2021), as well as other texts, theories, and information, which I will list at the end, or throughout the text.
Loss, for me, seems to lurk behind every corner, just waiting to strike again and turn me into a pile of broken glass. But the years I carry have made me a samurai. In Japanese tradition, when something breaks, it isn’t thrown away; instead, something more valuable is created from it.
The Japanese tradition I’m referring to is called “Kintsugi,” which translates to “golden joinery” or “golden repair.” Kintsugi is an ancient art and philosophy that treats breakage and repair as part of an object’s unique history, rather than something to hide or discard. This tradition is deeply rooted in the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, which finds beauty in imperfection and transience.
When a piece of pottery, like a cup, breaks, the Kintsugi technique involves repairing it with a special lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum. This process not only repairs the object but also transforms it into something new, highlighting its cracks and repairs with fine lines of precious metals. This method celebrates the unique history of each artifact by emphasizing its fractures and breaks, rather than hiding or masking them, showcasing the beauty in what is imperfect or damaged.
Kintsugi offers a powerful metaphor for life, teaching us resilience, acceptance, and the beauty of aging and evolution, despite our flaws. It embodies the idea that our struggles and scars make us uniquely beautiful, and that there is value and artistry in repairing what is broken and appreciating what has a history.
“Kintsugi symbolizes the idea that objects with history and scars can be more beautiful and valuable than when they were new.” (S. Stanić)
And I, with many of those scars or cracks, repaired or enriched by the philosophy of life, will try to bring this not-so-pleasant phenomenon closer to you, one that we will all inevitably face sooner or later. I hope you will stay with me until the end, even if this blog is a bit longer, considering that this is a very complex topic, one that I have learned a lot about during my studies and throughout my long life.
In a psychological sense, loss can refer to a wide range of experiences, from the loss of a loved one, losing a job, to the loss of something material, or even the loss of identity or security. Regardless of its specifics, loss often triggers deep emotional reactions that can affect an individual’s mental health and daily functioning. If you haven’t yet encountered some form of loss, that’s great, but be prepared—it’s an experience that comes to everyone and spares no one.
For a long time, I was angry at life, wondering why it kept dealing me so many losses. I began analyzing myself and my family early on, and many times I was convinced that this was some kind of transgenerational karma (the basic idea being that the current state of an individual or community can be significantly influenced by the actions and experiences of their ancestors). However, as the losses grew larger, I began to doubt that theory. Because if all my losses, and the losses of my family, were to happen according to this life philosophy, then my ancestors would have had to be genocidal maniacs, which they were not. Thus, I began to reflect on it deeply, and the summation of many years of introspection and the series of events that have happened to me can be read in my other writing
http://ambroznikac.me/is-there-life-after-life/
In my opinion, everything in our lives happens for a reason, and we are meant to go through certain life experiences in order to learn lessons that we will carry with us in the end. As I have said before, we take nothing with us but our memories. I believe in that philosophy, and it would be wise for you to reflect on it as well, and perhaps start changing some things in your own lives.
Somewhere I wrote, “There is nothing worse than leaving this world and, 24 hours later, no one remembers us. If that’s the case, somewhere we went wrong.”
Let’s return to the science and explore what loss truly is and what we can expect when faced with it. In psychology, loss is defined as the experience of losing something significant in an individual’s life. This can include the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of health, or the loss of a materially or symbolically valuable object. Loss often leads to psychological stress and emotional pain, and the way people respond to loss can vary significantly.
Emotional Reactions to Loss:
Reactions to loss can vary from person to person, and the most common are:
• Sadness: A deep sense of sorrow is the most common reaction.
• Denial: Refusing to accept that the loss has truly occurred, often as the first reaction.
• Anger: Feelings of frustration and rage, often directed toward oneself, others, or even the deceased.
• Guilt: Feelings of guilt over things said or unsaid, actions taken or not taken.
• Depression: Deep sadness, despair, and a loss of interest in life and activities that were once enjoyed.
• Acceptance: Gradual acceptance of the reality of the loss and adjustment to life without what was lost.
Psychological Theories on Loss
Psychological theories help us understand how people process loss and adapt afterward. Some approaches include:
- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief Model, describes the grieving process through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, explores how our early relationships influence the way we experience and process loss.
- Margarete Stroebe and Henk Schut’s Dual Process Model of Grief, suggests that people cope with loss by oscillating between confronting the loss and adjusting to the changes that the loss brings.
- Continuing Bonds Theory, proposes that maintaining a connection with the deceased, through memories or rituals, can be a healthy part of the grieving process.
Adapting to Loss
Adapting to loss is often a prolonged process that may require time and support. Therapy and support groups can help provide a space to express emotions and learn how to live with the loss. Each loss experience is unique, and people find meaning and ways to adjust in different ways.
I would like to mention the book “The First Ten Years of Grief – The Loss of a Child” by Lidija Stojković. (the book is not translated into English, that I know) This book offers a deeply personal and emotional insight into the pain and grieving process of parents who have lost a child. Through her personal experience, Lidija details how she confronted the unimaginable loss, exploring different stages and aspects of her ten-year journey through grief. The book is filled with touching stories, introspective reflections, and practical advice for those going through similar situations, offering readers a source of understanding and empathy. Furthermore, the work highlights the importance of support and community in overcoming profound personal tragedy.
Loss can also lead to personal growth and development, known as “post-traumatic growth,” where individuals discover new strengths, deeper interpersonal connections, and a renewed sense of purpose in life through the process of coping with loss.
Loss can take many forms, and everyone copes with it in their way. Here’s a good definition of loss: “The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. We live in a time where the reality of death is denied and suppressed, and we lack sufficient knowledge about the grieving process and providing support to the grieving. As a result, we often don’t know how to deal with losses—whether our own or others. People face different kinds of losses throughout their lives, and sometimes even the most painful one, the loss of a child.” (Jakšić, 2014)
And now, let’s explore what we can do when we inevitably face loss one day. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, believe me, it will, sooner or later. As I once wrote in a blog, “What does a person do when the sky and earth merge, that one sinful mortal cries, asking the heavens why?! Why do you constantly take the best of us, where is the justice in that?!” (I wrote this on September 20, 2022, one of the worst days of my life).
Coping with Loss and Grief can be a deeply personal process, and what works for one person may not work for another. However, there are some common strategies that many people find helpful:
These are all excellent strategies for coping with loss. Here’s a summary of the key points:
- Talking about it: Sharing your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist can be therapeutic and help you process your emotions while feeling supported.
- Allowing yourself to feel: Acknowledging and accepting your emotions, whether they are sadness, anger, confusion, or moments of joy, is crucial. Suppressing them can prolong grief.
- Joining support groups: Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can offer comfort and insights into your grief.
- Creating rituals or memorials: Engaging in rituals like lighting a candle, visiting a grave, or celebrating an anniversary can honor the loved one and integrate their memory into daily life.
- Self-care: Physical activity, proper rest, healthy eating, and engaging in hobbies can improve your mental health and help you cope with grief.
- Seeking professional help: Grief can sometimes be overwhelming or complicated. Therapists or grief counselors can offer guidance and strategies for managing grief healthily.
- Writing: Keeping a journal or writing letters to the deceased can help you articulate thoughts and feelings that may be hard to express in other ways.
- Setting small, manageable goals: Completing small tasks each day can help you move forward and provide a sense of accomplishment.
Each individual’s journey through grief is unique, and it’s okay to find your path and time for healing. However, with every step you take, keep in mind that others may have also lost someone dear to them, and it isn’t easy for them either. That’s why it’s better to listen than to just talk; give the other person a chance to speak because they may be suffering too. We all cope with the loss of a loved one differently—some through silence, some through talking, some through crying, and others through avoidance or denial.
All in all, we must also be mindful of those who don’t show their pain, even though we know they feel it. As I’ve written before, we are like a balloon filled with air—we can hold a lot, but eventually, that balloon will burst.
This is just a metaphor for us, for our bodies, and unfortunately, when something breaks, it often breaks where it shouldn’t—most commonly in our minds. That’s why we need to find someone with whom we can talk about anything. I often draw knowledge and strength from the manual to better help others, and in one part where our dear mentor mentions Carl Rogers’ non-directive therapy in practice, she writes, “I hear you, I understand you, I respect you, and… I accept you.” (Stanulović-Kapor, 2021).
When we read that, it doesn’t sound difficult or complicated, but let me tell you from experience—it is something that, at least for me, is one of the most complex, most challenging, and most difficult things to do at certain moments. We will all find ourselves in situations where we have to listen to someone vent or open up to us. Sometimes we’ll struggle to understand why they do certain things, things we would never do. But trust me—give them time. We are all unique, and we all react differently to external triggers.
To explain a bit, external triggers related to the loss of a loved one refer to situations, events, or stimuli from the environment that can intensify grief or provoke renewed waves of sadness in someone who has experienced loss. From a psychological perspective, such triggers can significantly impact the grieving process and the emotional state of the person.
Types of external triggers include:
- Specific dates: Anniversaries or significant occasions.
- Places: Locations that remind one of the loved one.
- Smells and sounds: The scent of perfume can be a powerful trigger, as can certain songs or music that remind us of the person.
- Visual reminders: Photographs or objects associated with the person.
- Conversations and topics: Talking about the deceased or hearing stories that remind us of them can evoke strong feelings of grief.
Understanding these triggers and being mindful of them can help us better navigate our grief and provide support to others going through similar experiences.
Psychological Aspects of External Triggers
Reactivation of Grief: External triggers can reignite feelings of grief, even after some time has passed since the loss. This is a normal part of the grieving process.
Emotional Reaction: Reactions to triggers can vary from sadness, anger, anxiety, to feelings of nostalgia or even joy from positive memories. The intensity of emotions can be unpredictable.
Cognitive Reactions: External triggers can spark thoughts about the deceased person, including reevaluation of past events, decisions, or unspoken words.
Physical Reactions: Emotional stress caused by external triggers can result in physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, sleep problems, or changes in appetite.
These reactions are a natural part of the grieving process and can help in processing the loss, although they can sometimes feel overwhelming.
Managing External Triggers
Preparation: Being aware of upcoming triggers (such as anniversaries) and planning on how to spend the day can help reduce stress.
Support: Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be beneficial. Talking about emotions can ease the burden of dealing with grief-related triggers.
Self-Care: Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies can help in managing emotions.
Flexibility: Be open to changing plans or adjusting activities if emotions become too overwhelming.
External triggers are an inevitable part of the grieving process, and recognizing and understanding them can help manage emotional reactions. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel sadness and seek support when needed. Every person goes through the grieving process in their way and at their own pace, and that is completely okay.
The loss of a loved one is one of the most intense and challenging experiences in life. From a psychological perspective, the grieving process is complex and individual, and coping with grief requires time, patience, and support. External triggers can amplify feelings of sadness, but recognizing and understanding them can aid in managing emotions.
It is important to allow yourself to experience grief, to accept all the emotions that arise, and not to force a quick recovery. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can be crucial for emotional healing. Additionally, self-care through mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies can help reduce stress and ease the grieving process.
Remember, every loss is unique, as is the way we experience it. It’s okay to feel sadness, and it’s okay to seek help. With time, support, and self-acceptance, it is possible to find a way to cope with loss and move forward, carrying the memories of your loved one with you.
With this, I conclude this blog, hoping that you will take something from this text with you. You may notice that some things are repeated, and that is not by mistake, but in the hope that you will understand how important they are. I encourage you to listen to one another, to be there for each other, and to practice active listening. It’s a tool we all possess, not just us psychologists—every one of us.
Most of us have developed this tool throughout the lives we’ve lived, but we can all refine it even further. So, start now, and in a few years, you’ll all be experts.
Sending you all a warm embrace. Remember, I’m here if you ever need someone to listen or offer support. Feel free to leave a comment, share your thoughts, and connect—every voice matters. And if you feel this might help someone else, please share it with your friends and loved ones. I’d be honored to hear from you, whether it’s feedback or suggestions for future topics. Take care, and know that you’re never alone on this journey. Until next time.