To live with a hole in the chest

Well, I thought I would never write about this, well I was wrong. This is how our conversations would start every time. I would say “ Hi mom ” she would answer the same way most times with happiness in her tone ” Bozi, is that you?  My day was pretty bad, but now you added 10 years to my life” to which I would joke always “mom you are going to live 700 years, taking into consideration how many times I added to your life.” Read more
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Top row my brother Peter, Sister Vera, Mom(RIP) Sister Ana(RIP) second row Gjovalini, Tonny(RIP) Danny and me.

    I know that most people love they mom, I loved my mom maybe a little more than most, but as our tradition has it I was her “Tach” (it means I am the youngest child and usually the favored one).  Well I am the 10th child of this great little lady, just stop and think how many ladies have 5 kids these  days and add 5 more. It is unimaginable how she did it, let’s not forget the time also; people where all poor and so where we. As I think of this and tears go down my cheeks, I try and think did I ever see my mom mad, as I am mad right now; did she ever see someone that was a bad person. I  often asked her “ mom is there a bad person in this world that you know” she would answer with her famous smile “please they don’t know what they doing just forgive them.”

How could this person be so humble? I sometimes think that the more someone suffers the more humble they become. I sit here thinking of all the times I joked with my mom, a funny story comes to mind; some years back she told me “ I don’t know what’s going on but my leg is hurting and when the leg stops, my arm hurts, all in all something always hurts” she would tell me this in confidence knowing that I had a lot of pain, I would often tell her “ mom when we wake up one day and there is no pain, it will mean we are dead”. Now I wonder, is that the truth and will our pain  stop. Maybe physical pain will stop  but how about our soul? Would the pain there stop, I don’t know but I know that as long as I live, and live I will, I will have this pain in my chest, where a part of my heart was torn away when she left this realm.

Again long a go, My mom(RIP) dad(RIP), me and Danny

I am not religious but I do believe in after life, or better said some form of it. I think that in the end we will all be together and we will laugh at this life as it is. Maybe not everyone will be in the same place but according to what someone has done in this life he/she will probably gain the afterlife that he/she deserves. I just hope that I can accumulate enough good deeds as my mom did so we can be together in that place. I live by a simple rule that she taught me when I was real small; she told me this so often that it became like a mantra for me I don’t even know I am doing it anymore, “ Son, do as much good as you can, don’t do it expecting something in return, do it cause it is the right thing to do, it will come back 10 fold”.

How could this little lady who went to school for 4 days (yes, you read that right, 4 days) know the fundamental truth of happy living, that is quite often cited in all religious books: “ Give and you shall receive” Luke 6:38 (Bible).  I am still amazed at all that she knew; when I was small and someone would get lost or leave and never come back she used to say he/she is lost like Abyssinia. My brother and I used to think that Abyssinia is a made up word, however, during my excessive reading I came upon this name. It’s what once Ethiopia was called, but how did she know it? There are a thousand little jewels like this, but for that you will have to wait and read my book one day in the near future.

Not so long a go, mom(RIP) and my sister Vera.

      Another interesting thing I shared with my mom since time forgotten were some traditions that go into ancient times. We all get hiccups but in my land there are reasons for them (I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is); one of the reasons is that someone is talking about you and if you guess who and say they name, the hiccups will stop. So for years and years when I did get the hiccups I would immediately say my mom’s name and guess what, they would stop. The other day I got hiccups and I immediately said my mom’s name, without thinking, its second nature to me now, and normally they stopped. I am now left with a question; I know that continents are not barriers, but afterlife I always believed  was. It seems that it’s not and I know deep down in my heart, she is telling my brothers and sisters in heaven of all my deeds, good and bad since in her eyes there was no bad just a learning journey, try it yourself it will surprise you and enrich your lives, as it did mine. 

I leave you my dear reader with heavy heart and a pain that started 27th of January around 1:18 AM in the morning. That night was the hardest in my life, as I laid in bed and tears ran freely down my face,    I  the king of pain, was crushed and felt like a little cockroach (another word my mom used but in a good way). Most people ask me is there something we can do for you. This is the first time I actually would like something from each of you, if your moms are a live, hug them often, tell them you love them no matter what, kiss their hand and their feet, because, as tears flow down my cheeks at this moment, I would give everything in this world to once more hug my mom, tell her that I love her, or just hold her hand. Thank you.


Živjeti sa prazninom u grudima

Mislio sam da nikada neću pisati o ovome, naravno pogriješio sam… Znate li kako su naši razgovori počinjali, rekao bih “zdravo mama”, a ona bi svaki put odgovorila srećnim glasom “Bozi, jesi li to ti? Baš mi je bio nikakav dan, ali mi je sad bolje, produžio si mi život bar 10 godina”, na šta bih ja dodao “mama, živjećeš 700 godina s obzirom na to koliko sam ti ja dodao života”. Nastavi čitati… ...

Gornji red Petar, Vera,Mama(RIP) Ana(RIP)donji red Gjovalin,Toni(RIP) Daci i ja

Znam da većina vas voli svoje mame. Ja sam moju možda volio više nego drugi, jer u našoj tradiciji ja sam kao deseto dijete ove divne žene bio njen “tač” – najmlađe i često i najdraže dijete, miljenik. Razmislite koliko danas poznajete žena koje imaju petoro djece, a onda tome dodajte još petoro. Meni nije jasno kako je njoj ovo uopšte uspjelo, još u ono vrijeme kad su svi bili siromašni, pa i moja porodica.

Dok razmišljam o svemu, suze mi teku niz obraze. Pokušavam da se sjetim da li sam moju majku ikad vidio da je ljuta, kao što sam ja sada ljut. Pitam se da li je ona ikada u ljudima vidjela nešto loše, često sam je pitao “majko, da li postoji loša osoba u tvojim mislima”, a ona bi sa osmijehom rekla “ma pusti ih, ne znaju šta rade, oprosti im”.

Razmišljam i o njenoj skromnosti – kako je mogla da bude tako skromna? Nekad pomislim da su ljudi koji više pate u stvari skromniji.

Sjedim i prisjećam se i koliko smo se samo šalili majka i ja, sjetih se jedne priče od prije pet, šest godina, kad mi je, znajući da sam ja stalno imao bolove, u povjerenju rekla “ne znam šta mi je, prvo me noga zaboli, ona kad noga prestane, počne da me boli ruka, pa kad ruka prestane, onda počne da me boli nešto drugo, sve u svemu stalno me nešto boli”.

Rekao bih joj “majko, kad se jednom probudimo i ne bude bolova, to će značiti da smo mrtvi”. Sad se pitam da li će bol prestati… Možda fizička da, ali duševna – šta će biti s njom? Da li će prestati – ne znam, ali znam da dok sam živ, a živjeću dugo, boljeće me u grudima, odakle je dio mog srca iščupan onog momenta kad je moja mama napustila ovaj svijet.  

Moja mama, Ja, Otac i Daci (davno baš davno)

Nisam ja neki vjernik, ali vjerujem da nije kraj kad napustimo ovaj svijet, vjerujem da se tada naš put nastavlja. Vjerujem da ćemo na kraju svi biti zajedno i da ćemo se smijati svemu što se dešavalo u ovom životu. Ne vjerujem da ćemo svi biti na istom mjestu, bićemo tamo gdje smo zaslužili, a ja se samo nadam da ću iza sebe ostaviti dovoljno dobrih djela, kao što je moja mama, pa da ćemo opet jednom biti zajedno.

Živim jednostavan život, kakvom me je ona naučila. Kad sam bio mali često mi je govorila “sine, uradi što više dobrog i ne očekuj ništa za uzvrat, uradi to jer je tako ispravno. I kad ti jednom zatreba, vratiće se desetostruko”.

Pitam se kako je ova žena koja je u školu išla samo četiri dana (da, tačno ste pročitali – četiri dana), kako je znala suštinu srećnog življenja, kako je znala ono što je često citirano u svim vjerskim tekstovima, Evanđelje po Luki 6:38 – 38” Dajte, pa ćete i vi dobiti. Vaš će vam se dar vratiti u punoj i prepunoj mjeri. Jer kakvom mjerom dajete, takvom će se i vama davati”.

Zadivljen sam svime što je ona znala.

Kad sam bio mali, sjećam se da bi, kad je neko nestao ili bi otišao nekud, a niko nije znao gdje, ona rekla “izgubio se kao Abisinija (Abyssinia)”. Brat i ja smo se smijali i mislili smo da je ona to izmislila, ali sam kasnije u životu čitajući naišao na to – Abisinija je staro ime za Etiopiju. Ali, kako je to znala moja mama?

Mnogo je takvih dragulja, ali o tome ćete jednom čitati u mojoj knjizi…

Mama i sestra Vera.

 Još jedna interesantna stvar koju sam otkad znam za sebe dijelio sa mojom mamom je priča o štucanju. Svi mi štucamo ponekad, mnogo je objašnjenja zašto štucamo i svi imamo neke svoje načine kako da zaustavimo štucanje. Sad ću vam ispričati o samo jednom – znate ono kad štucate, pa kažete da u stvari neko misli na vas i ako kažete ime te osobe, štucanje će prestati. Godinama bih ja, kad god počnem da štucam, iz prve rekao “mama” i štucanje bi prestalo (vjerujem da je to naš mozak radio da bi nam se tako olakšale svakodnevne muke koje život stavlja ispred nas)…

Tako prije neki dan počnem da štucam, bez razmišljanja sam izgovorio “mama” i štucanje je prestalo. I onda razmišljam – mislio sam da kontinenti nisu bili prepreka, ali onaj “život” i drugi svijet sam mislio da jest. Izgleda da ipak nije i znam negdje duboko u srcu da u raju moja braća i sestre sjede oko majke i da im priča o mojim djelima na ovom svijetu, da im priča i o dobrim i lošim, jer u njenim očima loše ne postoji, postoje samo životne lekcije koje svi moramo da naučimo.

Eto, rekao bih vam da sljedeći put kad počnete da štucate pomislite ko bi to mogao da priča o vama, izgovorite ime te osobe, vjerujem da ćete se prijatno iznenaditi, obogatiće vam život, kao što je bio slučaj sa mnom.

Dragi moji čitaoci, u ovim teškim momentima koji su počeli  27. januara oko 1:18 AM, a ta noć je bila najteža u mom dugom i teškom životu, dok sam ležao u krevetu, a suze neprestalno igrale svoj ples tuge, u tom ponoru tuge i suza, ja kralj bolova bio sam zgnječen kao bubašvaba (još jedna riječ koja je moja mama koristila, ali u dobrom smislu). Većina onih oko mene pitaju da li mogu nešto urade za mene i rijetko kad i tražim uslugu, ali bih vas ovog puta zamolio da, ako su vaše mame žive, da ih grlite često, što češće im govorite da ih volite, ljubite im ruke i noge. Dok pišem ove zadnje redove i suze mi teku niz obraze, dao bih sve na ovom svijetu da moju majku još jednom zaglim, poljubim i kažem da je volim.

Hvala vam moji dragi čitaoci, grlim i ja vas, onako, bez razloga.

My story of fasting.

I been fasting for a long time, and most people will immediately think is it a way to lose weight the short answer is yes and no. I personally do it for other health benefits, here is a little story, I been in a wheelchair for over 20 years, I love to eat, but I also love to work out, when I got shot in 1995 I was about 220 lbs. (100 kg) at the time I was a martial artist and a  very  active man full of energy. My life changed overnight that Friday night in February of 1995, I would become wheelchair bound, and my activity would go to zero. Continue reading “My story of fasting.”